And All This for a Lousy Pictorial?
by crazyarsonist
Summary: Nanao asks Iba if he and his association are willing to pose for a pictorial. Iba refuses and confronts Nanao with threats. Nanao threatens him back. But when Hisagi suddenly pops out of nowhere...


**Useless Notes:** You know, the nice thing about Bleach is that there are so many characters to fiddle around with. In this case, I'm experimenting with Iba and Nanao. I seem to have developed a certain fondness with random pairings such as this. Haha.

Enjoy!

**Disclaimer:** If I owned Bleach, I'd be really rich. Unfortunately, I'm not really rich.

_**xxxxxxxxxx**_

**And All This for a Lousy Pictorial? **

It was a bright and sunny morning that found the Shinigami Men's Association gathered at their headquarters at another one of their meetings.

As they were discussing their plans for the week (which almost always weren't done), Hisagi burst in through the door, his shades gleaming in excitement.

"Taichou!" he shouted, while waving a piece of paper in the air.

"Hisagi," the association's president nodded in greeting. "Whassat?"

"It's something Nemu-san gave me as soon as I left my division. She says it's for-"

But his report was cut off by the rest of the members of the association.

"Nemu-san?"

"The hell were you doing with her?"

"Was Kurotsuchi-taichou using her to get to you again?"

"Since when have you started calling her by her first name?"

"Is that a love letter?"

"Hisagi has a girlfriend?"

"_I_ want a girlfriend."

"No you guys, hold on!" Hisagi's face turned into different shades of purple, red and orange all at the same time. "Just lemme finish will ya?"

"Oi, oi look, he's blushing!"

"So there really _is_ something going on between the two of you, eh?"

"Ah geez, Hisagi's _always_ the lucky one."

"… I still want a girlfriend."

"Ah shut your trap, Omaeda."

"It's okay, Omaeda. You'll find her one day."

"Yeah, don't worry 'bout it man. Plenty of fish in the sea, 's what I always say."

"You never said shit like that _ever_."

"Oh so _now_ you wanna get wise with me aa?"

"But you never did say shit like that ever!"

"… I want a girlfriend."

"EVERYBODY!" Iba roared. "AN' I MEAN ALL OF YOU! SHADDAP!"

And just like that, everyone's mouths clamped shut.

"Thank you," Hisagi cleared his throat. "Now as I was saying…"

He brought out the paper again.

"This is a little something Nemu-san gave me this morning just before I left the division. She says it's from the Women's Association an' that it's for us."

Whispers and comments instantly filled the room right after Hisagi's report.

"Oi, ya hear that? It's for _us_."

"Hmm, what could it be, I wonder…"

"I got two bottles 'a sake sayin' that it's a death threat."

"Three bottles sayin' it's a threat to end this association."

"… That's the same thing."

"No it ain't."

"The hell it isn't!"

"OI!" Iba yelled again.

The whispers and comments suddenly stopped.

"Hisagi, read it," Iba let out a tired breath of air and waved his hand dismissively at Hisagi.

"Hai," he nodded. "It says…

'_To the Shinigami Men's Association: We, the Shinigami Women's Association, are having a fundraising activity in a week in order to raise funds for the renovation of our quarters (Because unlike yours, our headquarters are rather big and need constant renovating). We ask for your cooperation to help us raise funds by participating in our 'Most Wanted Bachelor's Pictorial' by being our most wanted bachelors. This will be sure to attract many customers as well as an even bigger amount of money. We are confident that this is our most foolproof plan yet and we are sure that we will earn much from this. We hope that you will reply to this request with a most favorable answer. Thank you and good day.'_"

Silence filled the air, until…

"That's it?"

"I'd rather die than pose half-naked for some other people's benefit."

"Me too."

"Hey, that's cool, we were invited to their fundraising thingy."

"Ah shut your trap, Omaeda."

"I didn't know we were 'Most Wanted Bachelor' material."

"I didn't know _you_ were 'Most Wanted Bachelor' material."

"Hey, take that back!"

"Make me."

"I say we refuse."

"Nuh-uh. I actually feel flattered with the whole thing."

"Is there gonna be food at the fundraising thingy?"

"I say we let Iba-taichou answer for us."

"Hey, he's right! Whaddaya say, taichou?"

"I say those losers are gonna pay! Damn that Ise to fucking HELL!"

"Yeah, that's the spirit, taichou!"

"Are you sure it's all right to talk about Ise-san like that?"

"You guys wait here, Imma go over an' give that bitch a piece 'a my mind! Fucking association thinks they can just use us to get money… Well, I fucking disagree!"

Iba's angry comment was answered by cheers and hoots of approval.

"That's the way to do it, taichou!"

"Kick their asses, Iba!"

"Yeah, show 'em who's boss around here!"

"You bastards bet I will! Don't anybody move till I come back!"

"HAI!"

_xxxxxxxxxx_

The Shinigami Women's Association headquarters was pretty quiet today, since no meeting was scheduled. Only its vice-captain, Ise Nanao, was in the office, fixing papers and files and stuff.

She snorted and pushed her glasses further up her nose, as she picked up a very familiar and a very angry trace of reiatsu. The owner was stomping down the hallway towards the room she was in and she could hear the angry swearing of the head those feet were attached to.

So, she wasn't at all surprised when a positively livid Iba Tetsuzaemon barged in through the door, his veins already popping out of his forehead.

"Ise, you fucking bitch, I swear to fucking God that you are so gonna-"

"Iba-taichou of the Shinigami Men's Association," she started, as calm as ever. "I trust that you read the letter we sent you."

"Oh, you bet I did."

"And I believe that your men are preparing for the said pictorial?"

"No they are most definitely NOT." Iba snarled. "What the hell made you think we were gonna say yes?"

"I didn't think you were going to say yes," she answered back. "I knew you were going to say yes."

"Well, me coming here just blew your whole plan apart didn't it?" he sneered.

"No, I don't think so," she shook her head. "I hear Ukitake-taichou's quite the popular one… Your men _are_ getting ready, aren't they?"

"They are NOT preparing for any damned thing, dammit!" Iba roared. "We're not doing the pictorial."

Nanao just stared back at him, her lips pursed in a somewhat annoyed and frustrated frown.

"Just threw a wrench in your plan, didn't I?" Iba smirked. "Well stuff it, Ise-fukutaichou of the Shinigami Women's Association, because we are _not_ doing any damned pictorial for your own benefit."

"Don't get cocky with me, Iba," Nanao warned, already standing up from her chair.

But the male shinigami laughed, crossed his arms and leaned on the doorway.

"Don't get cocky with you, Ise?" he mocked. "Or else what?"

"You do _not_ want to even consider the consequences," she retorted, as she was walking towards Iba, her paper fan in hand.

"And you would not want to cross me," Iba huffed, his face already dropping the smirk. "Come on, out with it already; you're using my association because you need us. Without us, you guys'd be down in the gutter."

"I am _not_ admitting to something as childish and petty as that, Iba."

"But it's true, isn't it?" he continued, moving his head forward in a menacing manner, his teeth locked together in an equally menacing scowl. "You ladies _need_ me an' my boys ta earn your money. Face it Ise, your association is nothing without mine."

"Clearly, your theory is as messed up as your head, Iba," Nanao retorted, not even backing down from the stare Iba was giving her.

"Oh, is it?" Iba laughed, but his annoyance was clear in his voice. "Because from the way I see it, you're just refusin' ta look at some stone-cold facts, Ise."

"What facts?" she asked. "That our associations have this mutual relationship between each other, wherein one needs the other? I think not. After all, we women are able to get on just fine without you men."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yes. Well for one thing, we don't spend our free time making love to a beer bottle before drinking from it, we don't make plans we don't intend on keeping and we aren't brash, impulsive brutes unlike_ you_ men."

She could feel the glare Iba was giving her from behind his shades, but she didn't give him the pleasure to see her look afraid.

"Oh YEAH?!" he boomed. "What about _you_ women?"

"Oh go on, Iba," she challenged. "What about us women?"

"You're all fussy, annoying pains in the asses and I for one, consider myself lucky to be a man, since I at least don't have ta put on make-up ta make myself look pretty!"

Wow, what a mouthful.

"You're just saying that, since you men are hardly pretty at all. At least I don't fawn over every pretty thing I see on the street; at least I don't see women for their assets. At least I see every woman as a person, not a pretty face!"

"You women all got big mouths; that's all I gotta say."

"At least we don't make up stories to impress other people unlike some other people I know."

"I'll have you know that I really did kill five Hollows in one day, Ise. _Five_ Hollows in _one_ day!" Iba raised his hands to further emphasize his point.

"According to Komamura-taichou, you only injured three of those Hollows. Once you left them on the ground, he finished them off and cleaned up your mess," she smirked upon seeing the wide shape his mouth had formed.

"So that leaves only two Hollows killed in a day, Iba. A feat that even seated officers could accomplish."

"Ah shaddup, Ise, you don't know anything."

"And I suppose you know everything, Iba?"

"Ah whatever, we're still not doing the pictorial."

Even Nanao herself had to admit that she was already getting bored with their argument, since they did this almost everyday. To tell the truth, she had already begun losing interest, but upon hearing his last statement, her old flame of anger re-sparked in her heart.

"And why not?" she asked. "Think about it, Iba. This could be the start of a beautiful relationship. And we just might actually reach that mutual point of understanding between our two associations."

"Well I don't care!" he raised his voice, his veins re-popping out of his forehead. "The fact of the matter is that you ladies are usin' us guys to earn yourselves some money."

"Don't be sore you didn't think of it first, Iba," Nanao raised her eyebrow as she hid her smirk behind her paper fan.

"SORE?!" he bellowed. "You want SORE?! I'll show you-"

"Taichou!" a familiar voice was heard from the hallway.

Unfortunately, the two arguing shinigami didn't hear.

"You better watch that mouth of yours, Iba. You don't want saying anything to me that you're going to regret."

"Oh I'll be saying stuff to you alright, but I sure as _hell_ won't be sorry for it!"

_xxxxxxxxxx_

INTERMISSION

Because of the rapid sequence the next events require, the following parts of the story will be forced to play out in slow motion until I say so. Okay?

Okay, on with the story!

_xxxxxxxxxx_

IN SLOW MO

Iba is coming up with a snappy retort to the smaller Nanao and his neck is bent down low, so as to deliver the full effect of his retort.

Nanao is looking at him in the eyes (or shades) with her arms crossed across her chest, not scared of him one bit.

"Taaaiii-choouu!!!" a slow, low voice was heard from outside.

Again, the two shinigami didn't hear it.

Iba's hands are clenched firmly at his sides and the veins are popping out of his neck because it seems that he's already yelling out his response.

Nanao's arms are still crossed across her chest, her paper fan closed and dangling from her left hand. She's listening to everything Iba's saying, but she always manages to contradict him, which causes him to become even more pissed.

"Taaaiii-choouu!!!" the same voice comes again. "Whaat'ss takingggg yoouu so looonngg?"

"Stoopidd weemenn, don't know sheet…" Iba roared (in slow mo).

"Oh, am I annoying yoouu, Ibaa?" Nanao laughed (in slow mo).

Then, the owner of the first slow mo voice appears in the doorway, right behind Iba.

It was Hisagi.

Okay, to tell you the truth, there wasn't any door. Iba's back was the only thing that prevented Hisagi from completely entering the room.

"Taaaiii-choouu!" Hisagi yelled out and tried to stop his momentum. But since he was running really fast and because his momentum was so great, he lost his footing, spiraled out of control and rammed Iba in the back.

(Remember that this is still happening in SLOW MO, so Hisagi hasn't actually reached Iba's back yet.)

Iba's head was directly above Nanao's face, roaring out his comebacks to her venomous remarks about men.

(Hisagi's still sliding towards Iba's back.)

Nanao's head was pointed upwards, so as to better see the funny expressions his face was making in reaction to her comments.

(Wait for it, wait for it…)

And then, Hisagi rammed straight into Iba's back, causing him to fall.

Guess what happened.

END OF SLOW MO

_xxxxxxxxxx_

INTERMISSION

End of slow mo.

Hope you understood what happened.

_xxxxxxxxxx_

AND BACK TO REGULAR PROGRAMMING… (IN NORMAL SPEED)

"Mmph!" Iba yelled, his lips pressed firmly on Nanao's.

Both vice-captains were on the floor, Iba's body pinning Nanao's to the ground. Luckily for both of them, his hands landed on the floor beside her, so he didn't really crush her. He was just above her, his lips on hers.

Nanao, in the meantime, was sure that if ever there was a time wherein she felt like she was drowning on dry land, then this was it.

Her fingers were tightly wrapped on Iba's shirtfront when she instinctively grabbed hold onto anything to prevent her from falling. She couldn't breathe too well and her heart was racing even faster than a Ferrarri racecar.

As if she knew what that was.

Well anyway…

He felt her frightened breath brush quickly onto his nose and Iba felt somewhat relieved that he was (finally) able to shut her up, if only for a few minutes.

With his lips on hers, Nanao tasted the many beers his lips chugged down before then. She tasted the wetness of his tongue and the top of her lips felt the roughness of his neatly trimmed moustache.

With her fingers slightly grazing his chest, she felt the rapid breaths he was taking in, so she knew that he was also as nervous and shocked as she was.

Iba's eyes widened behind his shades and he felt the sweat trickle slowly from his head. His Adam's apple slowly bobbed up and down in his throat and he felt as if his heart was suddenly squeezed with some supernatural force of some sort. His breath was also running faster than his lungs and he found it immensely hard to keep up.

Nanao's eyes also took the same form Iba's eyes had and she stared up at his shades through her glasses. She briefly wondered how his eyes looked like behind those shades. Her lungs and her heart were in basically the same state as Iba's parts were and she felt the heat immediately rise to her face.

She felt a wave of embarrassment sweep over her; her position right now was the most embarrassing she's ever been in her whole life.

Iba, in the meantime, was wishing his hardest that she couldn't see through his shades to see his shocked eyes. He was pretty sensitive about them after all.

"Oi boss, you okay?"

The sudden question shocked the living shit out of the two and Iba shot himself back up from the ground to face the speaker.

Apparently, they seemed to have forgotten about Hisagi.

"Hisagi, you ASS," Iba fumed. "You are so going to fucking DIE! YOU HEAR ME?!"

But Hisagi had bolted from the room as soon as he saw the steam rise from Iba's ears. However, that didn't stop the laughter that exited his mouth.

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA- Wait'll everyone hears about THIS! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Oh Iba, you lucky bastard!" he laughed as he raced out of the doorway.

Iba just gave a little grunt and dusted his shoulders before extending a hand to Nanao, who was still on the floor.

She took his hand and lifted herself up from the floor and arranged her uniform.

Both shinigami avoided each other's gazes and looked in opposite directions. Extremely awkward silence filled the room and it was so deafening that you could even hear Kenpachi's voice yelling at his men to pick up their lazy asses and move, dammit.

The Eleventh Division was a pretty long way off from the Eighth Division.

Just so you know.

"Listen, I-"

"Iba look, I didn't-"

They both stopped in mid-sentence and that's when they faced each other. Each saw the deep blush that decorated the other's cheeks.

"Naw, it's okay, you go on ahead."

"No Iba. You obviously have something to say, so you go first."

They said these at the same time and when both had stopped speaking, they only looked at each other and laughed about the whole thing.

"Damn ass Hisagi just knocked me over and right straight into you, didn't he?"

"That was pretty rude of him to check up on you, don't you think?"

"Aa," he nodded. "Poor sap won't know what hit him when I'm through with him."

"Throw in a little double to your punches, just so he knows how mad I am about it too."

"You betcha I will."

"So regarding the pictorial, Iba," she started. "I've decided to reconsider-"

"Ah stuff it, Ise," he shook his head roughly. "We're doin' it. You obviously need the money and we're gettin' pretty bored with the way things are turnin' out lately anyways."

"Are- are you sure?" she asked, still not believing what he said.

"I said we're doing it, didn't I?" he replied, on his way out of the room. "But this'll be the first an' last time we're doing it, ya hear? I don't want any more pictorials after this one."

"You can count on that, Iba," Nanao nodded.

"Well, I have some ass-kicking to do, so…" he trailed off, his back turned to her. He paused before going out, turned to her and gave her an informal wave. "See ya. Ja."

And with that, Iba stepped out of the room.

Nanao smiled at the empty doorway.

_I should get a door for that next time,_ she thought. But not right now. The other association members would have to be updated on the latest status of their plan.

She had a meeting to organize.

_xxxxxxxxxx_

OMAKE!!

"We're doin' the pictorial!" Iba announced, shoving the door open.

But instead of the expected protests and grumbles, his men seemed not to have heard.

"Hey! Guess who got a girlfriend!"

"Oi taichou, getting lucky today, aren't we?"

"How'd Ise-fukutaichou's lips feel, taichou?"

"Did Kyouraku-taichou see?"

"Okay, so first Hisagi and _now_, it's Iba. How come _I_ don't get all the lucky breaks?!"

"Ah shut your trap, Omaeda."

"We ought to have an anniversary for this event, I tell you."

"Yeah, like to keep record of it or something."

"OI! Nobody's recording anything about today without my permission, got it?!"

"Aww, look at Iba-taichou getting all worked-out over a girl."

"Hisagi, you ass, you're fuckin' dead, ya hear me? DEAD!"

_**xxxxxxxxxx**_

**A/N:** Wow, was that long or what? Thanks for reading!


End file.
